"I was Mr. Cutter tonight": Dylan Klebold's journal

My first blog entry, wooo!

This one's about Dylan Klebold's diary. For context, Dylan Bennett Klebold (also known by his nickname VoDkA) was a teenager who, back in 1999, committed a school shooting with his friend Eric Harris and killed thirteen people — twelve students and one teacher — before ending their own lives in the library. Well, they initially wanted a school bombing and to just pick off survivors of said bombs, but their bombs sucked so they just went ahead with their plan B.

I assume most of you have heard that name for a variety of reasons; watching anything Sue Klebold (Dylan's mother) has done, being alive in that general era, liking true crime, or being alternative and your music taste meaning that someone out there's gonna liken you to a school shooter (hope you KMFDM and Marilyn Manson fans are doing alright lolll). Whatever the case, let me continue.

Now, even months before that fatal day where those boys walked into Columbine High School with a Tec-9 and a Hi-Point, among many other things like pipe bombs and such, they had journals. I'll cover Eric's journal in another entry, but this is about Dylan's journal. If anyone had to, say, snooped through these journals, they could've been caught. Somehow, despite flying too close to the sun a lot, they just... weren't ever caught. Icarus is jealous of these two.

You'd think they'd have taken precautions about hiding it, but it was in plain sight. Especially for Eric, but again, I'll cover him another time. Dylan was a bit more sly about it, keeping it with his personal affairs and suicidal ideation and talk about who he loves and his "foot fetish & bondage extreme liking" (sorry not sorry for that mental image). But even at that, he talked about his NBK plan and how stoked he was for it. Not too often, though, at least. Near the end, though? Absolutely.

"Ahhhh, my favorite book. We, the gods, will have so much fun with NBK!! Killing enemies,

blowing up stuff, killing cops!! My wrath for January’s incident will be godlike. Not to

mention our revenge in the commons. GAWWWD sooo many people need to die. & now, a fun look at the past: (science-desk style) ((You know what I hate??? PEOPLE!! YEAA!!))"

"Last written book, more to come. I won’t bore you with advice shit you already know. NBK will be the ultimate revenge, to our shitlists, the pigs, everyone! We’ll fuckin “Take care of business” to be sure. So, Indigo, as we near the day of fate . . . AAAA FUCKIT! Just let it come. They will know when gods get pissed off . . . the little pussies will feel the shotgun shells & the bullets. Just like that little piglet at community service. They need to die sooobad. Now they will."

Those are the two most outright "explanations" on NBK (the massacre plan, they named it after a movie they liked, Natural Born Killers — why name your massacre plan after a movie about a couple going on a killing spree if you didn't like people calling you fruits? That's a genuine question). The earliest mention of NBK in Dylan's journal is from early 1998, but it isn't with Eric!

"Well well . . . so much changes . . . (like existence). I understand almost everything now . . . so close to my love — [redacted]. The runes have shown it, she has shown it, I have felt it. I know the meaning of each life: to be loved by your love, & to be happy with ones self. Only for the gods though (me, [redacted], etc.). the zombies & their society band together & try to destroy what is superior (what they don’t understand & are afraid of. Soon.... either I’ll commit suicide, or I’ll get with [redacted] & it will be NBK for us. My happiness. Her happiness. NOTHING else matters. I’ve been caught with most of my crimes — xpl [for example] drinking, smoking & the house vandalism, & the pipe bombs. If, by fate’s choice, [redacted] didn’t love me, I’d slit my wrist & blow up Atlanta strapped to my neck. It’s good, understanding a hard road since my realization, but it gets easier. BUT IT DOESN’T! that’s part of existence. Unpredictable. Existence is pure hell & pure heaven at the same time. I will never stop wondering. The lost highway will never end, the music in my head will never stop ... total [?] part of existence. The hall will never end. The love will always be there. GOD I LOVE HER!!! It’s so great to love."

The name's blanked, as are a lot of them because, you know, privacy stuff. I'm not sure if his love he mentions in his diary are the same girl because the names are blanked. Whoever she was, Dylan seemed infatuated, and, quite frankly, not right in the head even that far back. "If, by fate's chance, [redacted] didn't love me, I'd slit my wrists and blow up Atlanta strapped to my neck." Christ, Dylan. Dark much? For context, btw, Atlanta was one of his pipe bombs.

Also, he loved making these little symbols in his journal. One example is spirals. I remember reading somewhere that the spirals can be linked to some kind of psychosis he may have been going through, as well as his odd disconnection between the self and some other plain of existence with describing himself as an entity and being on the 5th dimension (his obsession with the number 5 is morbidly ironic considering the fact that he killed 5 people during the massacre). It'a like his grip on reality was just shattering for god knows how long until the shards just... shot out and hit everyone in the process.

"A lot on the past though... I've always had a thing for the past - how it reacts to the present & the future or rather vice versa. I wonder how/when I got so fucked up w my mind, existence, problem - when Dylan Benet Klebold got covered up by this entity containing Dylan's body... as I see the people at school - some good, some bad - I see how different I am (aren't we all you'll say) yet I'm on such a greater scale of difference than everyone else (as far as I know, or guess). I see jocks having fun, friends, women, LIVEZ.

Or rather shallow existences compared to mine (maybe) like ignorance = bliss. They don't know beyond this world (how I do in my mind or in reality or in this existence) yet we each are lacking something that the other possesses I lack the true human nature that Dylan owned & they lack the overdeveloped mind/imagination/knowledge too [?]."

Referring to himself in the third-person and as some "entity containing Dylan's body" is absolutely concerning. Then again, so is everything else about him.

Another symbol is his own, in a sense: The Everlasting Contrast.

The Everlasting Contrast symbol found in Dylan's diary seemed to have developed from the Cross of Lorraine, into the Cross of Salem, then into his final symbol. I think that the bars represent something; the top bar represents good, the bottom bar represents evil, and the middle bar is Dylan caught in the crossfire of that. He's often very conflicted throughout his diary on that subject. The symbol meant so much to him that he actually cut it into his skin.

"I was Mr. Cutter tonight — I have 11 depressioners on my right hand now, & my favorite contrasting symbol, because it is so true & means so much.4 The battle between good & bad never ends ... OK enough bitchin ... well I’m not done yet. OK go ... I don’t know why I do wrong with people (mainly women) — it’s like they are set out to hate & ignore me, I never know what to say or do. [redacted] is soo fuckin lucky he has no idea how I suffer."

The symbol clearly meant a lot to him to carve it into his skin. And there you go again, that repetition of 'good and bad'. He seemed oddly fixated on the idea.

I've definitely missed something somewhere, but... you know, I'm not a psychologist or a cop or anything, I just like talking about this stuff. Bye!!!